Never been easy....

Honestly, taking care of granny is the toughest job.... Really needs a lot of patience.. Thanks to my bestie (who is the the only person who knows my problems) who listened to all my problems that day.. It's true I'm Phlegmatic! Slow to changes... given to face this kind of problems at the same time.. It's hard to deal with it. My whole family is changing. Mom needs to resign and take care of my granny...I feel sad about it...My job? I feel that I have not do my best after what happened to granny...Really don't have the mood.. but thanks to Yen and Bryan who cheered me up in the office...

This year is totally sucks... I don't trust in luck but I have to say that it's bad year....Where is God when I need Him? Have I abandon Him? True enough.. I do need God! But the only thing I need to reconnect Him. Yes Ms. J I will do so...I need to find a right Church and get myself to think positive.. It's hurt to think about it again and again. Suffering emotionally....

Year end...Christmas, New Year, etc... I still need to move on... But I don't really have the mood to celebrate...Thanks Alice for suggesting that we should have an overnight prayer on 31st Dec. I will definitely get a room!!! Hope things will get better next year...

It's Just Another Day...

Ahhhh... How can I survive any longer? I'm TOTALLY BLUR in decision what I need to do next..... I want to release stress on someone already! What God is trying to tell me.... giving me the family problems.... To me, my mom is the strongest person in the family although she did cried for the first two days...of course my dad too, but usual for man lar...On the other hand, my bro really can act cool...

Yesterday, I did told her how I feel about friendship (after more than 8 years)... Hopefully, she understands and keep that as a reminder to herself.... Both of us were wrong, shouldn't fight for small matter but it won't solve if she keeps on running away (which she likes to do that) and don't listen to people..I like to settle things fast and not running away..I know we should change our characters but please give me some time to deal with this...Both of us feel the pain.. really pain the in the ass!

Anyway, let's not talk about this. Today, I just managed to buy 3 tickets to watch 'Carmen & Paquita'. This is the second time I watch ballet performance... Of course, the first time it's free :P but this time, I forked out RM128 per ticket.. burning another big hole again and I have yet to buy Christmas presents.... :(.... I think this ticket is my own Christmas Present for this year...

Can anyone donate money to me??

It's over!

All these year, I have done nothing but giving trouble to her. I started to think.....it will end soon because we don't understand each other...
What have I done?

It's difficult to change....

Dear all,

Thank you for your concerns and prayer supports. Really appreciate your kindness, love and care. Hopefully, granny will be out of hospital today. Special thank to my bestie and a good friend from GB who made the effort to come and visit my granny.

Things happened so fast in just one week. Don't have time to discuss this together. Mom plans to quit her job but she is still deciding what she should do. I feel useless when I can't do anything to help my family. I just know how to cry but it won't solve a problem. I'm weak in this point. When one gets sick in the family, the whole family feels the pressure and it's tough for us to face it... God knows.. What is the reason for this incident to happen?...I'm not too sure.... what shall I do? Praying hard...

I'm very very sorry right now.....

I don't know what to do...This Morning, I woke up by my mom and dads' voices calling my granny to wake up, and asking her what happen. My dad then switched on the light to find my grandma feeling sick and vomiting something yellowish on her bed. She had difficulties in getting up and feeling a bit dizziness. I was shocked and wanted to help, but couldn't do anything... For the first time I was trembled and worried. I cried. All I can do is pray, my only source of Hope.

Later, my dad found out that on the left side of her body parts couldn't move and told me it's a mild stroke. I was devastated to hear that 'word'. I could not believe it, my beloved granny has mild stroke. She was okay yesterday, and it's all my fault, I made her feel angry when she advises me on something yesterday night. I should not be angry with her yesterday. I don't want anything happen to her. If not, I will regret for my whole life for not being caring and loving enough towards her..It's hurtful to see someone I love most is seriously sick. I pray God will take all her sickness away right now... I could not stop thinking about her now..She was sent to hospital by dad and mom.. Now?

Waiting for news from the doctor... Please pray for her and my parents.... :( I can't stop crying...

What is the meaning of friendship?

My definition of a good friend is he/she care, accept who you are and most important being understanding...

I lost the hope in some friends which I feel insecure, and hard to share good/bad things with him/her....Anyway, there are so many types of friends.... but

Who is my real friend then? JESUS? YES, stick to this I won't go wrong......is closer than my brothers or sisters or any of my friends on earth.... Can I be a good friend to Him as well? I'm working on this......

Pray.. pray and pray.... Where is my faith again?

Please Ignore.....

*Warning* Please ignore this, I'm ranting to myself again..

I wish... I could do whatever I want but that's totally impossible. Once, I sincere to put my heart and trust in God, next thing I know... I'm out of my righteous path on how to become an obedient child of Him....Guess, I'm lost AGAIN >.
Why me? So many things happened for the past few months. Especially commitment, I can't give myself 100% because I not giving my best in whatever I do...I wish I could be a small kid, running around freely without any troubles in my mind.... I feel the pressure every day whether in work, gb, hand bells, home and with friends and family. Lately, with friends....I don't want to mention about it... I know I don't have the right to judge...It's hurtful when I think about it....

I feel I'm not good enough for them.. What is this world about? Money? Power? This world is totally corrupted and full of bad influences..I wish I'm not living in this world.. that's what I call suffering...it's temporary, and I lost my sight again....

Honestly, I'm more alert than last time because I think people misused me for who and what I am before...I don't want to be innocent.. I don't want to get bullied by people. I'm more self centered now, I know how to fight for my right, more aggressive.. I'm not the last time me - too stupid/weak to fight back..

Consequences for neglecting my belief:
I'm not as nice or kind as last time.. I'm getting more hot temper and stubborn as well, I don't have the patience, I'm going crazy soon, or probably need counseling...Last time my mom told me this before - *Go and see counseling*I don't know whether is a joke or a serious comment which I think useless because I don't easily open to anyone to know my deep secrets and I don't know how to face Him again.

I can't even share with my mom.. all I know, I cry easily almost every day...
I have tried to think too much about it.. but still I can't run away from it...I'm stuck with the position now.. that's my life... Who cares?

Oh please, don't tell me how to face/change it...for my sake, just pray for me...thank you. :|